We are *Almost* at the Halfway point of 2022…
Looking back on my Posts and Blogs at the start of 2022, I knew this year was going to be very hard.
I don’t shy away from hard either, I’ve had my fair share of hard times, and some very dark moments. However, I knew this year was going to be especially hard for a few specific reasons.
Why?
Because I felt a shift happening… the previous few years I stayed true to myself, stayed true to making small bits of progress towards some very large goals, and this year I found myself at the precipice of being close to completing some of those long-term goals.
To end 2021, I officially became Debt Free.
I had started a weight loss journey that was sticking, and I was seeing REAL results.
But, even harder, I had cleared the slates of a lot of things that were stressing me out, causing me anxiety, causing me pain and suffering. I cleared the decks of not just things, but… yea, people too.
Started learning to build better boundaries and started taking the “Low Hanging Fruit” to test those boundaries on. One by one, removing myself from this thing, or that thing, knowing… in the end, there was going to be largely, 4 things left…
And, as it just so happens, 2022 was going to be the year I knew I'd be confronting each of those 4 things...
Everything was going according to plan, 2021 wrapped up and I was feeling stronger, clearer, finding my voice, finding courage.
Then, 1st of those 4 things I saved for last blew up… I saved those 4 things for last because I knew they’d be the hardest things to clear for me. The 1st thing that blew up was my last job of 5 years.
I poured everything I had into that job… sacrificed my mental and physical health for years knowing it wasn’t healthy, but I did it anyways. I gave them loyalty, gave them dedication, and in the end… it meant nothing to them.
As we go through life, sometimes this is the type of thing that happens to us that gives us that kick in the ass to push us forward, when otherwise we would have stayed stagnant and continued to suffer. Allowing our self-doubt to question things, to second guess what we are capable of, and in the end giving power to others to dictate our worth. So, in the end, I’m thankful…
Thankful for the experience I got, thankful that they gave me the opportunity. Even more thankful, I learned a few things about myself that I didn’t quite have a full grasp on… things that I enjoyed doing, skills and instincts that I tapped into that I didn’t even realize I had. That experience helped me identify things I really enjoyed doing professionally and I wanted to develop into further.
So, I began my job hunt and found a New Job. One that hasn’t been nearly as demanding as my previous one, and that in of itself has been a huge adjustment mentally for me.
At the same time towards the end of 2021 while starting a New Job, I also started the Cybersecurity Program at the Local Tech College.
For the first 6 months of 2022, I have cleaned up… Gaining CompTIA ITF+ Certification, Microsoft Network Fundamentals Certification, and recently CompTIA A+ Certification. In between those courses and Certifications, I completed a Linux Course, Virtualization, Scripting in Python and PowerShell. I’ve made short work of each of those courses, and thus far have experienced great success. On top of all of that, I took a GRC Course that lit the lightbulb in my head and made me realize the things I loved about a lot of my previous experience was basically exactly that, GRC and Audit work. Knowing your Path, but also being able to identify specifics within that path is a huge breakthrough!
I wish I could say it was all positive, however. The 2nd of 4 battle I knew I’d be facing this year, hence why I knew this year was going to be my toughest year yet, has largely been a Mental one, on multiple fronts.
Truth is, it hasn’t been the Professional or the Academics that have stressed me out so much… what has stressed me out is the Fantasy of what I wanted… no, what I dreamed my life to be like when I finally accomplish all my goals, cleared the slates, and was left with – that 4th and final last thing.
I had an idea of what that would all look like… and it caused me to power through all the changes I’ve been making, caused me tremendous motivation and inspiration to grow, learn, and overcome everything that has stood in my way all these years.
But, as such, Fantasies tend to eventually reveal themselves to be just that… Fantasies. The curtain gets pulled back, and suddenly the Honest, the True is revealed, and you realize just how much of an Illusion it all really was. I think we all tend to do this to ourselves… create an Illusion, a Fantasy of what we wish our lives could be like and by doing so we completely ignore all the warning signs and red flags. We lose sight of what's important, we lose sight of what our drive and determination do to us and the people around us too at times.
I’ve learned so much these first 6 months 2022, through tremendous pain and suffering, and not being able to contain it anymore, to hide it. I’ve always been able to hide it so that the people in my life weren’t burdened by it. So that I could stay strong and keep up my obligations and my responsibilities to those who expected things from me and counted on me all while keeping a smile on my face mostly. So that no one felt obligated to help me through it, and then… I wouldn’t feel obligated that I owed them something. But the fact is, it was getting so bad lately, that I couldn’t hide it anymore, my secrets, my pain started seeping out… some noticed finally, some started asking questions, and showing concern.
Little by little, with the help of a very special few, my Illusion began to come down… the Fantasy was being removed and Reality was setting in. Things that I wanted so badly, I just must let go and understand that they may not be part of the future I’m trying to build. That reality has been hard to reconcile, and if I’m being honest. As I write this, it’s still hard to admit that what you once wanted more than anything may in fact, never happen… yet you still do want it to happen.
You build something up so much in your head, you see it a certain way, and you believe it with all your heart that it’s meant to be, and… it has to be, only to realize that maybe it’s nothing like you thought at all. All the warning signs were missed.
As I approach the Halfway point of 2022, I’ve largely processed these feelings as if they were Grief. It’s been a hell of a process, from Denial, to Bargaining – borderline begging and being needy, to Depression, to Acceptance… and, if I’m being honest. Anger. So, perhaps not in the same order as Grief, I tend to process things a lot differently than the “Norms”.
One thing about me… I understood a long time ago, that part of what makes us Human beings is – Our Emotions. Both, the Good and the Bad. Both our Light, and our Dark. One can’t exist without the other… you can’t appreciate the Light without having experienced the Dark. You can’t experience Love without having experienced Heartbreak. So, I knew a long time ago that at some point, I was going to have to allow my emotions to coexist with each other. My Angels, and my Demons would eventually have to find some common ground and well, get along. Some people try to bury or cut out the Dark, or try to ignore it, avoid it all together, or they are in denial thinking they have no Darkness in them at all. We all have it whether we want to see it or admit it or not. I’ve been learning to try and embrace both…
Anger, what a powerful fuel… can be very bad if not channeled properly. It can lead some people to some very bad places and do some very bad things. However, as I understood that I have Anger inside me, I also know I’m built on a foundation of a good heart. I credit a few great influences from my childhood for that – like my grandmother. She had an amazing heart, but – don’t piss her off.
With that, I do understand though that Anger if properly harnessed, and channeled can in fact, be a very motivating fuel to help power you through some hard times. Anger can light that fire in your belly, it’s the motivation needed to get out of bed on days we may not want to and push us when we feel empty inside… and I, feel empty, my fuel tanks are mostly tapped out. Anger, is like a Dirty Fuel, but it’s fuel none the less… I’ve toyed with this emotion plenty to help me through some rough patches in my 41 years… the important thing to remember is to not dwell in it for too long. Use it and lose it… don’t let the Anger change who you are, don’t let it override a good heart.
Starting June 6th, I begin Network+, and if anyone has followed me long enough knows… This was the course I dreaded the most. This Course is largely the 3rd of 4 remaining slates I expected would be hard to clear for me. My last run in with Network+, I quit. Granted, I was also dealing with a lot of personal issues then too back in 2009-2011… and back then, I let them get to me, I quit everything, not just Net+. So, a lot of what I’m doing this year is exercising old demons, completing something I started a long time ago. So, I’ll use this Anger that I feel in my belly right now to help power me through and to keep me focused on these goals. After Network+, it’ll be Security+, Microsoft 365, then Project+, and I’ll be finished with my Cybersecurity Certificate Program.
I’m also looking forward to Completing my Weight Loss Goal that I started just under 2 years ago, losing the last 20 lbs. to achieve this goal. I’ve lost 100 lbs. so far, but I want to go a bit further.
The 4th and final thing I need to face, I'll save for another blog post... maybe.
Over the next 6 months I’m ready… I’m ready to see what kind of Person I am, what kind of guts I have, what I’m made of. I knew 2022 was going to be a rough year, that it was going to challenge me in ways that I have yet to be challenged in this life. But you know… I firmly believe that all the other trials and tribulations I have gone through to this point have groomed me for this moment…
May your second half of 2022 be a great one as well!!!
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