It's been NO Secret. I've been struggling, Mentally.
Geez, I feel like that just seems to be always the case, doesn't it?
No more. I just landed a New Job Opportunity that greatly improves my chances of moving into that Next Phase of my life, taking me to that Next Level. Does that suddenly solve everything? Of course not...
I was disappointed to start 2023, found myself focusing too much on ... stuff. The past? The Future? What things didn't go the way I hoped? IDK, all in all just focused and put my time into the wrong things.
Did a lot of Right things too, sure, and focused some of that time on good things too. What can I say, somehow, I manage to juggle and balance so many things, and still, I always find time for the people I care about... always. They're all a Priority to me.
But, IDK, I was stuck. I couldn't move forward, and I was dwelling in my bullshit, feeling sorry for myself or something.
And yea, I guess... Message Received - Loud and Clear. The wool was finally removed from my eyes, and I had a glimpse of well, The Truth - even if just for a moment. My Mind no longer clouded by the Illusion that I created in my mind, what I wanted so badly to be real that I just couldn't see or... maybe admit the problems. I caught a glimpse of The Truth, and although it hurt. I guess, maybe... it was the thing to help me get unstuck, to light that fire in my belly.
So, I made a choice. No more, I refuse to stay Paused with what's left of my life. No more dwelling. Trust the Universe, what's meant for me, will be. Nothing I can do can speed up the process, or change that. I'm not in control of this. I just gotta let go, and stop fighting against the grain. Only control what I can control, my shit... and that's it.
This week it was as if the flood gates opened or something. I had so many calls, so many Pre-Screen Interviews, other Official Interviews. Almost picked up and moved to Germany, yes... that was a real potential opportunity. Oh, and the more I looked at the Opportunity, the more I loved the idea. The more I thought it was just what I needed to do. I wanted it, badly, but in the end it didn't pan out and I was let down, got crushed a little. I told myself I wasn't going to get my hopes up, I wasn't going to get carried away, and... I got carried away. Once I wrapped my head around the idea, started researching, started... dreaming. I wanted it. I thought, I needed it. That's what I do, I break my own heart, more often than not. It's always my own fault. It's always been me.
The Universe instead had other plans in mind, I instead got a great Offer that I accepted today. Is it Germany? No. But boy, it is a great offer, I don't want to sound ungrateful or poopoo it. I believe everything happens the way it does, for reasons. So, I'm ok.
It's just, so crazy though. The Mantra this week, and today.
"Alot can change in a day."
Soooo Right!!!!! The Recruiter with the role that I accepted said this to me yesterday.
I still have no clue really what the Future holds. Who or What will be in the Future. But I just know... I'm no longer begging anyone for a seat at their Table. I'm building my own damn Table, and because of my heart. It's ALL INCLUSIVE. I value every person I care about; I give every person I care about my Time. Unconditionally. And yea, that sometimes stretches me super thin, and stresses me out. But, I always still do it. If that makes me a People Pleaser? Then I'm embracing it. If that makes me Needy? I'll embrace that too... I'm me, unapologetically me.
I care deeply, too deeply.
I feel everything.
I can hear what you're not saying.
I can hear what you're thinking.
I will no longer view these things at times as annoyances, as flaws. Being this way has gotten me far, and it'll continue to be what keeps me moving forward. I'm not ashamed of any of it anymore... if that scares some of you, if that's too real for some of you, if that makes you run, then run. I'm going to be right here, I'm going to be me, regardless.
I'm consistent. I show up. For everybody.
For once, I like where I think I'm headed.
Sure, from time to time I will still probably allow my thoughts to wander. To go back, but I can't dwell there anymore. I know I'll still dwell though, but I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. Under construction. And I may always be - Under Construction, ever adjusting, adapting, shifting, surviving.
I'm an emotional person, a sensitive person. I am forced to ride that emotional rollercoaster that exists in me. IT - IS - ME, so I have no choice but to ride it. The good, and the bad, expressing my thoughts, both good and bad. I scream out into the aether, to the void, the Universe. So yes, perhaps this feeling will again change, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year. Who knows. What I hope, is that I come back to these things I write, and they serve as reminders of feelings, of coping, of healing. Reminders of how far I've come, what I've endured.
I'm trying... I'm trying to be Kinder to myself, trying to take better care of myself. Trying to Self-Love, or whatever that really means. But I also know, I have in my life carried so many regrets along the way. People who I may have hurt, that may be long gone, that don't or wouldn't even realize I still carry them with me. They shape me, the man I'm trying to become. I can't make my transformations, grow, build this better life that I'm trying to build off the backs of others. Sacrificing others to get there, because I feel that, I carry that negativity with me. I just can't... I don't want to be that guy, more importantly... I don't like feeling like an asshole, when I succeed, because I still think about all the shit I've done, the bad poor decisions, the people I may have hurt along the way. I've been trying to make amends, to create good Karma. So, it's been hard for me to celebrate achievements... I now know, what good I do, I have to still do right by people as best I can. Otherwise, what's it all for?
No idea what my Future holds, or who's going to be in it anymore, or where I'll be, or what I'll be doing. I'm just trying to be better each day, be better than I was yesterday. Be consistent. To myself, be consistent to my friends, my loved ones. Thats, what I take pride in. I show up.
Life, it's full of ups and downs. There will still be plenty of downs, book it. But, the Future feels bright, and I can't wait to see what's in store... Skies the limit.
Onwards, and Upwards!!!
Comments