I reflect on the 2022 year.
Phew, got a lot done… and I overcame a lot. Or did I?
Yea it’s no doubt, I did make a lot of progress. Specifically, academically. Took a bunch of courses, got a bunch of Certifications. Almost completed my Cybersecurity Certificate. All told… that was the easy stuff in a way. Sure, of course it took a lot of work and dedication, but with the help of Instructors, and a program guideline that ensured no matter what I had going on personally, mentally, I was going to make progress. I just simply had to follow…
It’s easy to do what you’re told, to follow a Set Plan, a Set Path. I’m good at doing what I’m told. I’ve never been very good at taking care of myself though. I’m good at not disappointing others, but I constantly disappoint myself and let myself down. I’m working on it, but it hasn’t come easy…
What most people may not tell you… is how hard all the other stuff is. The ugly stuff, the mental stuff, the emotional stuff… How hard it gets when there is no plan, or… the plan you thought you had for yourself totally falls apart and it doesn’t go the way you thought it would. What then?
Some of you are probably thinking what am I even talking about… what have I failed? What went wrong? You see my posts, my successes, achievements. With the rest of it, I just stay quiet, and deal. Power through.
At the beginning of this year, I knew this would be one of the hardest years… I set out to try and get Clarity, and/or to Let Go of a few things that I was holding onto. Things that were poisoning my Soul. Apply a little pressure, and I guess see what stays, what’s constant, and what’s not… Can I say I’ve succeeded and Let Go? No, in fact I know I haven’t. But I have a better understanding, I think. I still consider that a WIN.
Am I where I want to be? No. But, I’m ok, I’m in a good place, I’m still here. So, what’s the problem?
Every day I wake up feeling something different, something old, something new. My emotions are still out of Control, and in fact… perhaps maybe they’re just uncontrollable. Maybe I just need to stop trying to control them. Perhaps, there’s another way to cope with who I am as a person. The knowledge that I’m an Emotional person, I’m Authentic, I’m Genuine, flawed. I’m just me… …maybe that’s the Control, to just embrace who I am, the flawed, emotional person I am.
I’m still on an Emotional Rollercoaster, and… it’s exhausting. Not just for me, but I also know it’s exhausting for those people who interact with me. I’ve created some good friendships, only for some to disappear and ghost. I’ve created some good relationships, again, only for them to disappear. I’ve talked to many people, Recruiters, had interviews, received great feedback. That initial burst of excitement to work with each other, again… only to be ghosted and it to fizzle out, again and again. Promises made to me, only to be broken with no accountability insight.
I hold myself to a high standard… if I make a promise, it gets done. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. No hidden agendas, just good intentions, and… trust, hope. I can’t quite put my finger on it. The questions I constantly ask myself – What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I crave these connections so badly? Why do I allow such temporary people to take advantage of me? More importantly… why do I care more than they do? Why do I need it more?
I don’t know the answers to these questions… there are days I wake up, full of confidence and say there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not doing anything wrong. Just keep pushing, don’t quit, and keep grinding, keep doing what I’m doing. To keep being ME, that I’m enough, and the things I Hope for can be mine, will be mine... But then, there are days I wake up and I’m filled with such disappointment, discouragement, defeat.
Disappointment in the decisions I’ve made and the regrets I carry. Disappointment in all the moments where I’ve settled for something less than. Disappointment, in myself. Somehow, I keep letting myself down. Letting myself down by letting temporary people smooze me and take advantage of me. No matter how many times I’ve vowed I wouldn’t do that anymore, I keep doing it. I keep wanting to believe this one is the one, this one is true. The Doubt sets in, the What If’s play out.
I’m battling myself… I’m caught somewhere in the middle of What I want for myself and What everyone else expects of me… I’m not a very religious person, so it’s weird that I constantly wonder how Disappointed Jesus might be with me. What the Universe needs me to be. What the Universe wants of me. Will I ever find where I belong, the fit? Why is it I feel like I haven’t belonged anywhere to this point?
I feel pulled in many directions, not sure how far to go, when to stop, when or if to pivot, or… when to just sit down, be patient, let it be… to fight, or to make peace.
There’s part of me that feels like a Lion, hungry for that next best thing. Hungry for that grind, for that next achievement, for more learning, that next… THING. But then, there’s a part of me that feels like I just need to sleep, yearning for peace, and quiet, for stillness. For my brain to turn off, the memories, the thoughts, the noise, the negativity… For all the grinding, the learning, this need for knowledge and understanding to just - Stop.
The goal posts seem to constantly keep moving, for everything… we’re told if you have this, or that, or accomplished this or that, you’re on your way. That’s also the lie we tell ourselves. You get that thing, and it becomes another thing… and another thing… and another. It’s always complicated… It never stops. When does it Stop?
See, I feel there’s 2 people inside me, and they’re at odds… a walking contradiction. Or… maybe I just don’t know what I want? Or maybe I’m just too scared still to take control, to go after what I want. What if I fail? What if it all goes wrong?
I don’t know how to bring all this together.
I always thought if I could figure out how to channel this energy, and to bring these things together, phew… it’d be exciting at the things I could do. The things I could accomplish, the level of peace and contentedness that I could feel. The clarity. At times, I do manage to bring them together, for a singular goal and focus. But mostly, I’m overwhelmed at the thoughts, and yet I somehow keep pushing… I feel like a zombie most days, just going through the Plans and Guidelines in front of me, going through the motions…
It’s overwhelming to think about this level of self-understanding that I know I haven’t reached, even now, and the realization that perhaps maybe it still seems impossible or too big of a task for any one person.
I clearly didn’t accomplish everything I set out to do in 2022. But I did accomplish a lot… but for some reason I can’t allow myself to feel the positives, the things I did accomplish… but, maybe for a moment. I’m thankful for the people though in my life, the Support on Linkedin – they force me to cut myself some slack even when my brain, my heart only seems to want to focus mostly on what I didn’t do and what’s left to still do. What I don’t have. The areas where I fell short. The fact that a lot of things didn’t go the way I Hoped they would. Why do I do that to myself?
It’s clear to me that I still have a lot of unanswered questions within me, and I need those answers. I still feel like I have a long way to go.
…and that just feels exhausting, I just want it to Stop, or – I just need to replace my batteries somehow.
2023 feels so exhausting, already, and it’s not even officially upon us yet.
Here’s hoping for a spark… some Inspiration… some Motivation… some Clarity, some… Peace!
And still - “I’m a thousand pieces of Doubt, held together by a single strand of Hope…”
I wish you all Well, Luck, and Success for 2023!
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