As the title suggests... This one is going to be Raw and Unedited.
Well, aside from the Click to Spell Check some shit... but I'm not proofreading what I wrote, it's Raw, and it's full of thoughts, emotions... and, yea, let's begin.
I think I'm starting to wake back up...
Since around NOV, into DEC 2022... I was struggling mentally.
Unsure where I was going, unsure where I belong, unsure about Finishing School, unsure about my Future, fuck... unsure about my Current.
I think I was dealing with feelings of Self Sabotage, about to finish my Cybersecurity Program, and being so close to that - Finale, that Conclusion, that I was scared of it.
Scared of the Achievement? Scared of the Success?
Pfffft, what Success? Nothing went the way I thought it would...
I thought for sure as I neared the Conclusion of School, that I would land a New Job, that takes me into that next Tier. And for me, that next Tier isn't insane, I think I was keeping my expectations pretty reasonable. Maybe not... I don't fucking know anymore...
I felt it, deep in my bones, I dreamt about it, I was super confident, it was going to happen. I was going to take that Next Step. I've been working so hard, clearing my Debt, removing Toxic People from my life, cutting leeches from my body, and just... Moving forward.
I've been on this road, for the better part of the last what... 5, 6 years or so. It really started hitting me during the Lock Downs and COVID that it's TIME. I needed a change. I needed to pursue what I want for a change. Stop going through the motions, stop being this zombie, and do ... Something. Create a better life.
Maybe, just maybe... Learn Self Love, and be Kinder to myself, treat myself better, learn to Respect the man I am and wanted to be. To just, take that Next Step and Live for Me.
But here came NOV, DEC, nearing the conclusion to school...
The Job Offer didn't come... I didn't move to that next Tier, and unfortunately... I just find myself feeling Stuck. Stuck in the mud, stuck in quicksand, sinking, drowning, unsure about... Well shit, Everything.
Have I made a mistake? Did I calculate wrong? Was all of this for nothing?
No Roy - hell, it's only been a Month buddy since you finished School.
My problem? When I want something, when I know I want something... I want it soooooo badly, and I work so insanely hard to get it. I plan, I overthink, I plan and overthink some more. And I hard charge it, no matter who or what is in my way, I steam roll the obstacles, the challenges. I mostly am able to even block out the drama, the bullshit, and I just go get it.
School? School was easy... it's the other things. The financial goals. The goals that involved changing my environment. Moving into my own place, getting my own things. Being able to have SELECTION of who gets to be in my life, and who I allow to just go... I would be my own Validation; I wouldn't need it from anybody or anything else.
And, unfortunately, Money seems to be the thing that I feel holds me back mostly...
To be able to complete my weight loss goals, I think it's finally time to admit... I need help.
To be able to afford my own place, to build a stable foundation... I finally admit it, I need help.
I am finally at a place where I know... I can't do it all myself. I can't make some of this happen. I've upgraded my skills, I've worked alot of jobs, got lots of experience. But I need someone to give me a chance.
That's what it all comes down to... and I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm sick to admit it. I can't do it all. I need help. I finally admit in order for me to take that Next Step... I need help.
I kept telling myself, and believing... Roy, just set the table, so that you can accept the opportunity, so you can take that Chance when it comes. Prepare. I feel I'm there; I've prepared, the table is set. But there's no movement. In fact, it feels like instead of movement, I'm going backwards, I'm regressing, I'm drowning.
I pride myself on being someone that has answers. I like being the Go-To guy, the guy with Solutions, with Answers. And right now... I just have none.
If I'm being honest... I think I finally see.
Since NOV, DEC, I've felt like I've been in this funk. I did manage to finish School and bring that finale to conclusion. Thankfully, I didn't sabotage myself like the last time I was close to finishing School. But since NOV, DEC, I haven't been able to do anything. Maybe I've been burnt out from School, probably. Burnt out from all the overthinking, the planning... Burnt out questioning my worth in the eyes of certain people... Trying to understand why some people say one thing but do the total opposite. Trying to understand why it is it's so hard to love me...
I put so much into this... so much heart, so much effort, so many thoughts, sleepless nights. I needed this Opportunity. I needed to take this Next Step, because I told myself if I could get there... it would quiet all the rest of the other noise. To the people who can't see my worth, to the people who only love me when it's convenient to them... no matter, because I took that Next Step, I was growing, I was moving forward in life, I was getting better.
I was ... Loving myself, being kinder to myself, I knew I deserved more, deserved better.
But... being stuck right now, feeling all this that I'm feeling. It's making me question that. Maybe I don't deserve better? Maybe I don't deserve more? Maybe this is as good as it gets... Maybe, I was wrong.
At this point... I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting back, trying to get unstuck, needing to be FREE.
Here it is, that Anger building up in my belly again. I talked about this Anger feeling during the NET+ course... how I was going to use this Anger as a spark to light that fire in me. Anger burns HOT, it's good fuel sometimes that pushes us forward. I'm feeling it...
I've been asleep... I've been going through the motions. I've reverted back to that zombified state. I'm not going back there. I need to make a change, and NOW. I can't wait for the change to come; I have to take the initiative. The bridge needs to be burned.
It's TIME.
Message Received - the Silence is the Message. The Disrespect is the Message. The Inconsideration is the Message. You taking advantage of me is the Message. You not seeing my Value, my Worth is the Message.
I make this promise... When I'm gone, I'm gone. Don't come and try to find me then. It's too late.
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