Let's talk a Vulnerability that I have... I have many though...
One of the worst feelings that a Human Being can feel is being made to feel like they don't matter, or that they are an Inconvenience, a Bother, a Burden.
When I feel this way, I tend to hide... I tend to remove myself from the situation.
I retreat, because I'm embarrassed, I'm sliced open and injured.
Why?
Because all my life I have only ever wanted - To Help. To be Useful. To be Needed, Wanted. Appreciated.
I have a soft spot for people who are struggling because I have struggled, greatly.
I have come from moments in my life where I have had nothing, sold everything of value that I once cherished so I can get by, so I can move forward in life.
Because of this, I'm not Materialistic, things... don't really matter to me.
It's the Human Connections, it's the Bonds that we create is all that matters...
There are levels of Survival I have been, and willing to go always before I allow myself to count on or need anyone...
For most of the last 15+ years or so, I come from a place of "People Pleasing"... where I give so much of myself to everyone, sacrificing my Mental and Physical health to be there for those in my life... to be everything everyone expects of me... while, still trying my hardest to make it a point to not need or rely on others even though many have leaned heavily on me.
So, if I expressed a need to you, and you weren't there - ultimately it makes me feel let down, disappointed because I would have done anything for you.
If you've made me feel like I Don't Matter, if you've made me feel like an Inconvenience, a Bother... then, you're going to find me out of your life...
As much as it pains me... because in my heart, I crave that Connection, but... I also know when I'm not wanted, not needed, a Burden.
Usually, there's no coming back from that either, once that feeling takes HOLD, it's tough...
Because I'm an Overthinker, I'm an Over analyzer. Anyone that is this, knows that once this feeling takes hold... we have thought about it, we have dwelled on it for too long, we have fought against it hard, got erratic, over explaining ourselves, borderline begging and pleading for that person to show us they care... and, when some still don't.... well...
If I bared my soul to you, if you were one of the Lucky ones and I showed my Vulnerabilities, and... you made me regret it... it's hard...
So, I guess we'll see if there's a Redemption Arc at this point....
Through most of my life, I've created a system where I don't really "Need" anyone, or I haven't allowed myself to really "Need" anyone... this has been both good and bad.
Good in that I have trained myself to overcome just about anything at this point...
Bad in that, I tend to not allow people to get too close...
It's also true, giving too much of myself to others, is also not good or healthy... you should never sacrifice your Mental or Physical health under any circumstances.
The fact is though, we as Human Beings do NEED each other... we WANT TO need someone, and I'm just barely beginning to understand all that.
Being Needy, what is that? Is that really so bad? To express to another Human Being that you need them in your life I think is the most Vulnerable you can be to another... I think it's an expression that should be cherished, Protected, and Appreciated.
I've unpacked this quite of bit over the past few months, and I don't really know why I am this way...
I think it stems to the losses I've suffered, anytime I've gotten close to something or someone, anytime I've expressed a NEED, really wanted something... deeply Loved something or someone, it went away...
I think there's some Traumas there that I have yet to resolve...
Pfft, there's alot of issues that I have just barely scratched the surface on... but, I'm trying...
At the end of the day, that's all we can do is Try.
And if anyone makes you feel like shit while you're in the process of Trying to understand yourself, to find yourself, trying to get better, then... they don't deserve you.
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